tangled family issues

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tangled family issues

Postby blue shaded » Mon Aug 26, 2013 2:45 am

Hi, I just found this site and joined the other day. I have a lot of problems (mostly family related) that I want to share with someone. I hope this is an appropriate category for this.

I don't know if anyone could really help me, I just want to talk about some of my problems, and get things off my chest, because I can't really talk to anyone in my family right now.

(Sorry, after I got done, it's really long. I hope it doesn't bother anyone.)

I'm not exactly sure where to start. Well for starters I live with my parents right now, and they don't like each other. My mom hates my whole dad's side of the family. I have 3 half brothers and nieces and nephews, and other relatives on his side. I like my whole dad's side of the family and I think they're nice. I like being with them, and two of my best friends are on my dad's side of the family. My mom thinks they're bad people, and has stopped me from being with them on several occasions my entire life. My mom thinks some incident happened on my dad's side of the family, which as far as anyone knows, isn't true. What's more is, this supposed incident happened over 20 years ago, and she still obsesses over it. And my best friends don't know about it and I'm afraid to talk to them about it, because it's kind of bad. So they don't really get why my mom is like this.

On top of that, though I'm not in school anymore, during my entire time in school, from elementary through high school, I was picked on because I had different interests and views than pretty much all the kids. Every one avoided me and made fun of me for every little thing about me that was different, and I never made any friends. Even though I changed school districts twice, once in middle school and once in high school, and started over with people that didn't know me, the same thing kept happening.

So, the only decent relationships I've had were with my dad's family even though I've been kind of distant because of my mom. My one saving grace in my life, escpecially with my best friends. And my mom just keeps trying to screw it up. And now that I'm older, she doesn't care if I go see them, but now that my best friends are older, they have their own lives and have been increasingly distant with me the past few years, and I think they've given up on me and moved on. And I'm p.o.'d because all the precious opportunities I had to be with my best friends when we were younger, back when they seemed to really want to be with me and really cared about me, kept being taken away. And I still really care about them and want to be with them, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a relationship with them again.

And, my mom is controlling, and paranoid, and thinks everyone's a pervert. My mom has always been overly watching me to make sure I'm not doing "bad" things, even though I was a pretty good kid and rarely actually did anything bad. Like she'd try to make sure I wasn't watching inappropriate t.v. shows when I was a kid, even though I watched G rated shows. Or checking to see if I went on inappropriate websites, which I didn't. One time when I was 13, I got in trouble for talking on a comic website forum, because she thought I was going to either go meet a stranger or hand out my address and get raped like those stories you hear on the news. And I knew better and wasn't doing anything like that. I was just talking to people for fun, plus I got one of my best friends signed up on there and I talked to him on that site sometimes. So, after my mom got mad, I stopped going on there. Another thing, my mom would bug me and ask me if people (including my friend when he was like 8) did inappropriate stuff with me, and I'd tell her no, which was true, but she didn't seem convinced since she brought that kind of thing up quite a few times.

My mom didn't allow me to do all kinds of things, and rarely let me go see my dad's family, so I've spent a majority of my life being home all the time with no life, no friends, being bullied, being isolated from my family, barely getting along with anyone in my house, the whole rest of the household arguing with each other and having problems, having my mom mad at me for all kinds of stupid things, bored out of my mind trying to pass time with hobbies, and lonely as hell waiting to see my best friends, and missing them all the time.

So now, I'm embarrassed to say, I'm 21 and still stuck with my parents. And they never got divorced like they should have, and I still have to deal with a lot of the same problems. And after everything I've had to endure here, I'm seriously tired of living with them. And to my horror, after a few conversations I had with them the past few months, trying to talk to them about my problems, I found my parents were unaware of many things about me. My dad said he wasn't aware that my mom was trying to control my behavior, or not letting me do things, OR keeping me from his side of the family. And I don't understand how he wouldn't know this. My mom has a controlling behavior, and expresses dislike for my dad's side of the family (and us) almost everyday, out in the open, not hiding it. For some stupid reason, my dad thought my mom would magically be different with me, even though she acted like that with me right in front of him. Not to mention, whenever my dad went to a relatives house and my mom didn't want to go, she wouldn't allow me to go. She rarely let me go anywhere with my dad by himself. So apparently my dad can't put 2 and 2 together and thought I was okay the whole time.

And another thing, recently while discussing with both parents the bullying problem I had before, I mentioned that I had dealt with it my whole time in school, and my dad suddenly said, "what?! You never said that! I thought you only got picked on the last few years!" Wtf? Yes I did say it before! So I ask my mom and she seems to remember I said I had bullying on the bus, but never actually in school, at least not before highschool. How can they not remember something so important?! I mentioned it several times! I changed school 3 times because of it! After I brought it up my mom seems to remember now that I changed schools. But most of what my parents remember is that when I was 15, I got in trouble with court for trying to ditch school because I was sick of the bullying, and then the school finally put me in a smaller class (special ed for kids with problems that make learning difficult) my last few years of highschool to help with the bullying problem. But I had been bullied the whole time before that, I just never tried to ditch school before. And the schools wouldn't ever help me before that. The only suggestion they ever had was to punish a few kids. But I had trouble with all my classes, even kids I had never met in the school because they heard rumors about me. And the school was like "well, we can't punish that many students, sorry." They wouldn't help me in any other way either, and just left me to deal with it, despite their "zero tolerance policy".

So anyway, I'm really mad that I've been suffering right in front of my parents without them noticing, or else forgetting everything. A lot of it being caused by my mom, I really want to get away from her already. I mostly get along with my dad, but I'm upset with him also, because I just disagree on some things with him, and he gets mad about things that aren't really that important. And my feelings are hurt that they could forget about such a huge problem of mine, and my mom's excuse is "there's been so many other things going on in the family" which is true, but still, that's messed up that they could forget something so big, and not notice things so obvious, despite that I was open and didn't hide my problems. I feel like I've been invisible to my parents my whole life. I really need a break from both of my parents, I would like to move away.

But, I don't know if I could live on my own, because I'm on disability because I have social anxiety, and a lot of muscle pain. I'm very weak and get sore and tired easily, and need help with chores, and many things are hard for me to do. Also, there are some things I didn't learn to do that I need to know, such as driving, or taking a city bus. And I need my GED.

Before, me and my dad talked about moving away from my mom, but we have no real plan. My mom talks about moving back to where her side of the family lives, a few states away, but I don't know if she really will. My parents have talked about selling our house, but it's a dump and needs a lot of repairs before anyone would even want to buy it from us. And my dad refuses to hire any repairmen because he says we can't afford it and wants to do it all himself, but in reality he can't because he's in poor health. In fact both my parents have health issues and are both also on disability for it. My mom has arthritis and can hardly walk, and my dad had a heart attack 9 years ago, and has all kinds of other issues right now. And he'll push himself too hard and get really sore and breath hard like he's gonna have an asthma attack, and that really bothers me, and it doesn't take much to get him to that point because he's weak. No one in our family can afford to help us with our house either, nor do they have the time to come help us with things we need to do. Even without worrying about repairing the house, and where we should move, as it is, we can't even get our everyday chores done because we're all weak and sore. We have stuff that needs to be done piling up all the time. We pretty much need a care-taker.

I have no idea what to do. I just want to get away and recuperate and focus on solving my own problems. And I want to get away from the arguements and disagreements with my parents, and get away from my mom's controlling, and the guilt I feel from my dad being mad about the chores not getting done even though I do what I can, and watching him push himself too hard all the time. I want to get away from all the bad feelings my parents are causing me. I also want to have a relationship with the rest of the family without worrying about my mom hating them, or having them afraid to come around because my mom makes them feel uncomfortable.

And I don't want to have to feel guilty about leaving and trying to take care of myself, and worrying about things I need. I wish my parents could get some help with stuff, too. I have no idea what to do or where to start, we really need help.

But I don't know if anyone can help with any of this. But thanks for reading this.

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Re: tangled family issues

Postby Love To Talk » Mon Sep 30, 2013 2:27 pm

Hi Blue,

Wow, so sorry to hear about your situation. One thing you can be grateful for is that you are still so young and you are alive and have your whole life ahead of you. I left home at 18 because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I made a plan to get out. It took a while, but I did drive and I did have a job so I saved up and got an old van and lived in it while I drove around the USA taking odd jobs to keep going. I met all kinds of great people (and some scary ones) and used my gut instincts to make good decisions and stay out of trouble (it didn't always work) and never went to jail or anything.

The only thing we can control in our life is ourselves and as as Albert Einstein said... doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of Insanity. The only way to change things is if you do the changing. Make a plan, apply for some jobs where ever you want to live. Explore the country online, check out the classifieds on craigslist. Heck even work at a fast food restaurant if you have to but at least it will be a change. You're young, start living. You have two working legs and two working arms.. there are those much less fortunate. Don't be a victim, it's easy to change your attitude if you want to and it sounds like you do.

Go get it, the world is out there waiting for you!

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Re: tangled family issues

Postby boredwife » Tue Dec 03, 2013 7:21 am

I kinda have the same problems with my Mom, so I begge to stay with my boyfriend. After that Mom kinda mellowed and was a little nicer. Sometimes we need to be apart from someone to realize how important they are to you. But dont get married just so you can escape, as a married woman, trust me, being single and having fun is alot better!

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Re: tangled family issues

Postby HelloDear90 » Fri Oct 17, 2014 2:46 pm

I thought I was having a tough day.. I don't have much to say besides don't give up. Your strong. You conquered the hardest part: high school social and emotional distress:) Like the other commenter said, make your own decision. This is your life, not your mom or dad's. Do what makes you happy. I know it sounds easier than it actually is because it seems like your decision influences both of you parents.
However, it's time to let them know you're older, capable of making your own decision. If social anxiety is keeping you from making friends, try social networks. I know it might sound lame, but you never know. It could ease up that social anxiety and help you discover new types of people.
You have to be all out truthful to your mom: that she is too possessive of your actions. (remember it mostly depends on how you say it more than what you say) If being with your cousins, etc. makes you happy then tell her that. Sit down talk to your mom face to face. Maybe your mom is overlooking the things you said because she is so occupied. Remind her once in awhile what's bugging you. If you really trust your buddies, then let them know whats infuriating you. You can explain the situation broadly. Telling them that if they truly a friend they wouldn't go into details about it, unless you want to. (I hope you know though, there's an unlikely chance of harm in doing so except human nature of people judging others) It all depends on you. You shouldn't act so hastily (which I doubt you will, goody good:), but don't let fear of making mistakes stop you from making changes in your life either.
I really hope your life turns out better. Choose to follow my advice or not; remember it's your decision.

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