I Just Having a Hard Time

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Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2016 7:28 pm

I Just Having a Hard Time

Postby CBLGirl » Mon Sep 26, 2016 8:00 pm

Sorry its so long!!!
I wonder how I'm supposed to feel I have been fine for the most part but for some reason everything has become so much more sad. I've always been known to be the sweetest girl in the world(I don't see it) and I have these so called friends but, I also have this twin sister. She is such a pain in the butt and never understands what other people are feeling because I don't think she has once put herself in someone else's shoes. Ever since we were little though I have wanted to be her friend her best friend and I have always pushed her. My parents always talked about when we were little how close we were so I wanted that back ( I wanted to be selfish) I wanted to be one of her biggest and most trusted friends. When I final told her this the first reply was never. Ill never be your friend because we are sisters we needn't be anything more. When I was little I had my heart so set on this that I was blind to see that we were just sisters and nothing more. Every time I think about it though I always think back on that day about how if only she had known what a true friend was to me mabey just mabey for the first time in her life she would have looked my way and said yeah. Nowadays we hang out with the same group of friends but what she doesn't realize is that I don't really have friends anymore. I'm always alone never with anyone. When I had finally found someone I could call a friend She appeared and just snatched them away from me without ever looking at how I felt. Even now if I told her any of this she would just get all defensive and says she loves me she is just not good at showing it. If I told my dad it would be even worse because he would just scold me for wanting something that was only in the past. She would also scold me though for always looking at the past but, whenever she gets defensive she is just allowed to go back into the past just to hurt me. Even though all this has happened I still want to become her friend and I still want to hang out I want her to see me as someone who she can trust and be with at all times but, that would be wrong wouldn't it. Only because even if we were that close I still wouldn't probably want to hang out with her. I don't even know any more. I was always told that I was the one who had the most friend that I was always the lucky one but when I think about it until this week I really didn't see how lonely I was. All I ever do is go with the flow of things. I watch as she goes and gets invited to parties and gets to go hang out with her friends that are supposed ti also be my friend but, I never see them want me to come along they just figure that if she is going she will just naturally ask me if I want to go. And even if I am standing right in front off the while they are talking abut going somewhere they will ask her if she wants to go but they will never ask me a single thing. I wish I ad someone out there to talk to because I have no friends to consult to. I am truly alone the one thing in the world I am most afraid of. I wish I knew what to do from this point on. I always dreamed of becoming a pediatrician or a lawyer but know I don't know what to do because how am I supposed to make other people happy when I am never truly happy myself. There was this one time though where I had went to my sister and hinted that I was unhappy and wanted to talk about it I old her this quote that I thought fit myself at the time it went like this. "When did my smile seem to start fading from my life". All she did was brush it off and tell me that I was wrong and then she started going on and on about how her life is harder than mine. At that point I just gave up and tried to pay attention as best I could so that I wouldn't blow up by how unhappy she had just made me. Since then I have never ever tried to be her friend again all I ever do nowadays I smile and shake off anything and everything. Please I think I need help now though because I want to be happy again I want to have my friends again I don't want to be faking things anymore. So please if you have made it this far can you please tell e anything that will help me. I just want someone that I can talk to because I am tired of being alone so please someone come and save me from me.

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